Book Club: How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie
“How to Win Friends And Influence People” by Dale Carnegie is a one-stop-shop for aspiring used car salesmen and middle managers to attain mastery in the laudable art of brown-nosing. The reader may at first consider the rules and principles laid out in this book rather simple, but as with Newton’s laws of motion and Pythagoras’ theorem, Carnegie was the first to write them down. It is hardly a surprise then that “How to Win Friends And Influence People” is considered the social-etiquette bible by marketers, politicians, and snake salesmen the world over.
Carnegie lays out his principles in long-form, punctuated with his own observations of human behaviour and practical examples drawn from his lifetime of tutoring and mentorship in the field of human relations. This approach helps to solidify the foundations and assumptions of each principle, and give the reader an idea as to its applicability in everyday life; before driving the point home with a concise summary of the principle at the end of each chapter.
A few sample principles:
Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain
Carnegie notes that humans react better to praise and positive remarks than they do criticism. For example, a foreman at a construction site may remark:
“WEAR YOUR GODDAMN HARDHATS, OR I’LL FIRE YOU FOR VIOLATING SITE POLICY!”
or, he may say:
“Please make sure to wear your hardhats - it would kill me if anything happened to you!”
It is obvious to see that the tactful approach that expresses concern for the worker’s safety is likely to be the most effective, because it does not criticize.
Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
Another fairly simple principle at heart, but an important one - the idea that one ought to build rapport with others by being genuinely interested in what they are interested in, and by being willing and able to give them what they desire. The most poignant example of this in my opinion is given in Part 2 Chapter 1, where Charles R. Walters requires information from the president. Charles takes note of the fact that the president’s son collects stamps, acquires some rare ones from across the globe, and spends an hour discussing stamps and the president’s son. At the end of the session, the president is more than happy to help him with all the information he needs. In essence this principle is: “Ask not what others can do for you, but what you can do for others”.
Throw down a challenge
Carnegie realises that few people can resist a good bit of competition - a principle that is sadly overlooked in the modern era of consensus-building and “collaborative working environments”. People are driven to excel when they feel they have something to prove.
Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to
“Assume a virtue, if you have it not” - Shakespeare.
People have an inherent desire to be respected and reputable. If you praise someone on a virtue or skill, they will work extra hard to attempt to maintain the opinion they think you have of them - even if they don’t necessarily possess these qualities in the first place!
And, finally, a principle that underlies Carnegie’s entire book:
Be genuinely interested in people
Throughout the book, all of Carnegie’s principles reference back to this one, overarching theme - from “be sympathetic” and “allow the other person to save face” to “begin with praise and appreciation” and “call attention to mistakes indirectly”, each rule is based on a solid foundation of being aware of and concerned with the other person’s wellbeing, feelings, and reputation. Even perhaps the simplest and most obvious rule in the book, “smile”, is difficult if not impossible if one is unable to adhere to this principle in his dealings.
“How To Win Friends And Influence People” is a decent primer for improving your interpersonal skills in professional environments, and may find applicability in the political sphere in terms of finding benefactors or schmoozing political allies, but the techniques described are limited in the sense that they are unlikely to persuade or influence someone who is decidedly opposed to you in the first instance, and require concerted practice to master.
Choice quotes:
Page 16
“For years I have kept an engagement book showing all the appointments I had during the day. My family never made any plans for me on Saturday night, for the family knew that I devoted a part of each Saturday evening to the illuminating process of self-examination and review and appraisal. After dinner I went off by myself, opened my engagement book, and thought over all the interviews, discussions and meetings that had taken place during the week. I asked myself: “‘What mistakes did I make that time?’ “‘What did I do that was right—and in what way could I have improved my performance?’ “‘What lessons can I learn from that experience?’ “I often found that this weekly review made me very unhappy. I was frequently astonished at my own blunders. Of course, as the years passed, these blunders became less frequent. Sometimes I was inclined to pat myself on the back a little after one of these sessions. This system of self-analysis, self-education, continued year after year, did more for me than any other one thing I have ever attempted. “It helped me improve my ability to make decisions—and it aided me enormously in all my contacts with people. I cannot recommend it too highly.”
Page 28
When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.
Page 122
If you can be sure of being right only 55 percent of the time, you can go down to Wall Street and make a million dollars a day. If you can’t be sure of being right even 55 percent of the time, why should you tell other people they are wrong?
Page 123
As Lord Chesterfield said to his son: Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so.
Page 124
There’s magic, positive magic, in such phrases as: “I may be wrong. I frequently am. Let’s examine the facts.”
Page 153
Socrates, “the gadfly of Athens,” was one of the greatest philosophers the world has ever known. He did something that only a handful of men in all history have been able to do: he sharply changed the whole course of human thought; and now, twenty-four centuries after his death, he is honored as one of the wisest persuaders who ever influenced this wrangling world. His method? Did he tell people they were wrong? Oh, no, not Socrates. He was far too adroit for that. His whole technique, now called the “Socratic method,” was based upon getting a “yes, yes” response. He asked questions with which his opponent would have to agree. He kept on winning one admission after another until he had an armful of yeses. He kept on asking questions until finally, almost without realizing it, his opponents found themselves embracing a conclusion they would have bitterly denied a few minutes previously.
Page 154
The Chinese have a proverb pregnant with the age-old wisdom of the Orient: “He who treads softly goes far.”
Page 162
Ralph Waldo Emerson in his essay “Self-Reliance” stated: “In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty.”
Page 187
“All men have fears, but the brave put down their fears and go forward, sometimes to death, but always to victory” was the motto of the King’s Guard in ancient Greece. What greater challenge can be offered than the opportunity to overcome those fears?
Page 223
Childish? Perhaps. But that is what they said to Napoleon when he created the Legion of Honor and distributed 15,000 crosses to his soldiers and made eighteen of his generals “Marshals of France” and called his troops the “Grand Army.” Napoleon was criticized for giving “toys” to war-hardened veterans, and Napoleon replied, “Men are ruled by toys.”
